Reuven* is an 8 year old boy who was referred to KLN for mentoring by his school to help him learn to handle the frustration and tension in his life, and to develop social skills.  He made aliyah from America with his parents 6 years ago, when he was only 2.  At the time he was the youngest of 4 children, and now there are an additional 3 siblings younger than him.  Initially, the move went well for the family.  The father was employed as a computer programmer for an American company.  However, that changed a year ago when the company disbanded and the father found himself without a job.  In addition, he discovered that his skills had not kept up with the fast changes in the field, and thus were not helpful to him in securing employment elsewhere.

Reuven was from the beginning an irritable baby.  He has been diagnosed with learning disabilities, and ADD.  He has difficulty paying attention or following the instruction in school, he is easily frustrated and has frequent tantrums as a result.  His social skills are poor, and he does not have friends that he sees outside of school.  Reuven has a poor self image, doesn’t believe that things can get better, and sometimes expresses that it would be better if he would die.  The school provides special tutoring, which has helped some and is an indication that Reuven is responsive to intervention.  Mentoring is an intervention that could speak directly to his developing more frustration tolerance, a better self image and better social skills.  However, due to the family’s current financial situation, they are not able to pay even the lowest of our sliding scale fees.

The family’s financial situation is severe and the source of much tension in the house and especially in the marital relationship over the last year.  They owe the maximum allowed on their bank account and their credit card, and have borrowed from friends and family for their basic expenses over the last year.  Their debt now has reached $45,000.  The father started a 3 month course to upgrade his computer skills, with the hope that he will then be able to secure employment and be able to support his family.  However, Reuven needs help now.  Every day is a frustrating challenge for him, causing deterioration in his self esteem to the point that he frequently denigrates himself and wishes he were not longer alive.  Help us help Reuven get out of his downward spiral.

*Pseudonym

Online Donations: http://www.kavlnoar.org/donate/

Israeli Shekel contributions are welcome.  Kav L’Noar has Seif 46 status.

checks can be mailed to:Amuta # 580425841

Kav L’Noar

POB 7685

Jerusalem, 91071

All tax deductible U.S. dollar contributions can be made with a check payable to

The Central Fund of Israel (Registered with the IRS, Tax ID # 13-2992985)

And  earmarked for KAV L’NOAR  Checks can be sent to Kav L’Noar  P.O.B. 7685, Jerusalem 91028

Or in the U.S. sent to:

Nachum Wachtel
348 Brook Avenue
Passaic, New Jersey 07055

Or to P.E.F. Israel Endowment Funds

U.S. tax deductible contributions of at least $25 may be sent and must be made payable to

P.E.F. Israel Endowment Funds, Inc.

317 Madison Ave, Suite 607, New York, NY  10017

With a recommendation that it be used for Kav L’Noar

Sima Gordon, Mentoring Supervisor

The following demonstrates how mentoring and counseling can work together to benefit the entire family.

Shaya (name changed) was referred to Kav L’Noar by his school, where he was struggling academically and socially.  He was a challenging teen – abrasive, verbally abusive, oppositional, and hyperactive.  He had poor social skills and a history of vandalism.  He was difficult to manage at home and had no friends.  Fortunately, Kav L’Noar was able to provide supportive counseling for the distressed parents and a mentor for Shaya.

Initially, Shaya related to the mentor as he did to others.  He was demanding, competitive, argumentative and manipulative.  Despite the negative behaviors, the mentor continued with Shaya, demonstrating a level of caring Shaya had not experienced before.  He became less suspicious and more open with the mentor, and because of the relationship, was able to accept boundaries set by the mentor.  He eventually used his new relationship skills to get along better with peers and family.  He learned to recognize and care about others.  He spent the summer working in a children’s hospital, which would not have been possible previously.

Through their counseling sessions, Shaya’s parents have strengthened their marriage so that his behavior is no longer a threat to their stability.  All family members are now on the same page and relating more effectively to one another.  After 18 months, Shaya is busy with friends and no longer needs a mentor.  His parents have acquired new parenting tools for use in the future with Shaya and their other children.

Originally published in Torah Tidbits Issue 1044- Bamidbar – Shavuot- Naso

http://www.ttidbits.com/

Rina Berkus, Clinical Supervisor

Kav L’Noar offers two services – counseling and mentoring – to families with children ages 10-18 who are struggling with emotional or behavioral challenges.  While most people understand the benefit of meeting with a concerned and supportive therapist, not everyone is aware of the potential advantage a mentoring relationship can provide.

Mentoring can be a powerful tool.  Many youth, unwilling to meet with a therapist, are open to a mentoring relationship they envision as being more fun.  They meet in the community, rather than an office, where they involve themselves in normal activities.  This is especially beneficial for those youth who need to develop social skills which are built through interpersonal relations.  The individual attention received, without even considering content, is a powerful statement to the child that he is valued.  The informal social setting facilitates the development of a trusting relationship in which feelings and thoughts can be shared and explored.

The close, comfortable relationship allows the mentor to give the youngster feedback about his/her behavior and thoughts.  Support from the mentor promotes the development of self-confidence which then encourages the youth to practice new ways of relating within the safety of this relationship.  Because the interventions take place in a natural setting, it is more likely that new behaviors will be transferred to their natural social situations, where the cues will be similar.  For maximum sustained benefit, it is recommended that parents also participate by seeing a therapist during this process.

Nefesh Israel invited Kav L’Noar to participate in their upcoming Webinar on the topic All the Rage: Helping Adolescent Girls in Crisis presented by Dr. Martha B. Strauss, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Antioch University and staff member at Dartmouth Medical School. The webinar description reads:Many adolescent girls today are in a crisis of rage and despair. Some try to disappear  through starvation, others care indecipherable symbols onto their arms or run away from home, still others bully and get bullied, hide weeping in their rooms or attempt suicide. How can practitioners become more effective with this sometimes volatile population? Kav L’Noar’s Clinical Supervisor – Rina Berkus, Mentoring Supervisor – Sima Gordon and Family Therapists – Joy Epstein and Dvorah Litt will participate in the 6 sessions scheduled to begin on Tuesday evening May 21^st and run through June 25^th. Dr. Strauss has offered Kav L’Noar the opportunity to engage in two case consultations following the Webinar.

 Rabbi David Shapiro, who served as teacher and Principal at the Maimonides School in Boston, Mass. for 41 years, gave a lecture on Sunday evening, April 21st at Beit Avi Chai in Jerusalem on the topic Fostering Individuality in Our Children: A Torah Guide to More Effective Parenting. Rabbi Shapiro offered Torah sources, personal anecdotes and his experiences as a Day School administrator to create a tapestry of strategies that parents could follow in raising their children. Rabbi Shapiro suggested, as one of these strategies,  the importance for parents to role model their performance of mitzvot with joy and happiness and to be consistent and honest in practicing what they preach. Another suggested strategy is the effort parents need to make to help their children fuse the concept of hitchayvut, i.e. the obligation to perform mitzvoth and the concept of hitchabrut, i.e. developing a feeling of connectedness to the performance of mitzvoth as part of the larger Jewish community. Rabbi Shapiro’s lecture will become available shortly as an audio CD.

Beginning the week of April 7^th, Kav L’Noar submitted its first article to Torah Tidbits, published weekly by the OU Israel Center and the most widely circulated Anglo publication in Israel. Thanks to a grant from the OU in America, recommended by former President, Dr. Simcha Katz, Kav L’Noar will publish a bi-monthly column from September to June. Articles will be written by our family therapists and mentors and will focus on issues of interest and concern to families who are raising their children. Some of the topics to be covered include: mentoring relationships, school issues, ADD/ADHD, peer influences, social skills deficits, family communication, age-appropriate discipline, and managing risky behavior. Our hope is that these articles will provide greater awareness of challenges facing today’s parents and stimulate their interest in reaching out to Kav L’Noar for help in addressing them.

 All You Need is Love!

Dr. Ronald Wachtel, Director 

Parents raising teenagers in today’s world often confront challenges to which they don’t know how to respond or about which they have little understanding. The best advice that can be given to any parent, beyond seeking professional help for their child, is to ‘love them to death’ – to let them know and feel that no matter what they may do, they will be unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are…always! Teens who know that they can count on their parents’ support and who have internalized a feeling of confidence and trust between themselves, will ultimately overcome the challenges they are facing. Someone once said: All children need love especially those who don’t deserve it! While it’s not easy loving a child who is oppositional or disrespectful, the long-term gains are well-worth the effort. There is no substitute for the constancy of a day-to-day relationship with responsible and responsive parents.

Kav L’Noar’s new column in Torah Tidbits will, in the coming weeks, address issues facing today’s family, especially those who are still raising their children. We are grateful to the OU Israel Center for enabling our staff of family therapists and therapeutic mentors to provide important insights and suggestions for addressing different challenges in parenting today’s teenagers. Kav L’Noar’s column will hopefully convey the importance of early-intervention as the most effective catalyst in promoting resilience in our children.

I invite you to write to us with suggestions for topics that you would like us to address or to comment on something we’ve written. Our goal is to empower families to engage their teens and strive for healthy and stable relationships.

  Fostering Individuality in our Children:

    A Torah Guide to More Effective Parenting

Rabbi Shapiro, a musmach of Yeshiva University, served as teacher and Principal at the Maimonides School in Boston, Mass. for 41 years. Rabbi Shapiro will captivate our audience with his erudition as he draws on Torah sources, personal anecdotes and his experiences as a Day School administrator. His goal is to provide chizzuk, as he reviews fundamental principles of raising children.  

                   Sunday, April 21^st at 8:30 PM

    Beit Avi Chai, 44 King George Street, Jerusalem